


Vital Signs

by Toastybluetwo



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-20
Updated: 2012-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-02 06:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toastybluetwo/pseuds/Toastybluetwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EDI is always watching. Spoilers for Mass Effect 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vital Signs

**Author's Note:**

> This is totally Etonia’s fault and contains her ideas. Contains lots of voyeurism.

There was a blow-up mattress in the battery room, among metal panels hot to the touch of sensitive human hands. The mattress was dressed with standard-issue cotton sheets, though ones meant for a full size bed. Had EDI stolen them from the supplies meant to stock Shepard’s room? It didn’t matter. They were cool and soft and smelled of soap when the rest of the room seemed filled with sweat and his breathing and, oh God, it felt so good, so amazing and soft and it had been so long, so goddamn long since he’d last been laid. A year at least, bored and stuck on that Cerberus station, when some Cerberus scientist – what was her name? Anne? Anna? Did it matter? She wanted a one-night stand and felt constricted by her tight uniform and the Illusive Man’s penetrating gaze in every camera, and Joker was willing to make him watch them fuck in her quarters on her tiny bed.

But this wasn’t fucking. This wasn’t about getting your rocks off and thanking someone, then heading down to the commissary for a cheap beer. This was _making love_. This was about emotional connection between two people – be damned the fact that one of them was synthetic. She met his eyes and she nuzzled his shoulder – where had she learned to do that? Had she watched those millions of terabytes of porn and derived something that she could use, something that clutched his heart and made him look back at her, stare at that sweet face, and imprint it forever into his memory?

“Jeff,” she whispered, looking back at him with an almost imploring and yet penetrating gaze. “I am monitoring your vital signs. Do not worry.”  
She thought he was frightened, but he was enthralled. Joker knew that there was no way that her attention was locked on him and him alone, not on this moment together and the way that he nuzzled one of her breasts, wondering if she, on some level, derived any pleasure from this, any meaning from his heat and his mouth on her synthetic skin. If she throttled her processes, the ship would go dark and quiet and leave them in silence and him in asphyxiation, and not in any way that promised erotic pleasure. EDI was the ship, was the Normandy, and they – she – loved him and cared for him and – did she jut her hips slightly toward his? Oh God. She was experimenting, moving beneath him as he moved on top of her, testing her own capacity to be gentle and to provide pleasure, and it was perfect. _Perfect_.

Sucking in an unsteady breath, Joker murmured, “Don’t stop doing that.”

Raising her head slightly, in a sibilant voice, EDI gave him what sounded like a breathy reply – “I won’t.”

When the minutes had passed and the heat faded from the room - along with the pheromone levels, EDI noted – Joker found himself falling asleep with an arm draped around her waist. Then, he heard her make what sounded like an amused noise.

“There is something I must tell you.” Did her voice sound overly coy as she touched one of his cheeks with a featherweight brush of her fingers?

“That I’m amazing in the sack?” He was aware of how tired he sounded, but his whole body felt heavy from the exertion and sticky with sweat. It wasn’t an entirely uncomfortable feeling.

“As you know, I am constantly monitoring the vital signs of the Normady’s crew.” The fingers became a palm, cupping his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. “We were not the only ones engaged in this manner in the past hour. I detected elevated heart rates and breathing in two other crew members – Commander Shepard and Kaidan Alenko.”

Raising his head and his eyebrows, Joker looked down at EDI. “EDI, were you watching them while we were…?”

“Of course not.” Did he detect a stronger, pointed blink of her eyes? Was she deliberately exhibiting verbal irony? “I was monitoring their vital signs. Hormone levels. Heartbeat. Internal temperature. You might be pleased to know that your testosterone levels spike slightly higher than Alenko’s during orgasm.” Tilting her head, she added, “For your information, there is a security camera in Commander Shepard’s quarters. I alone have access to that particular camera.”

For a full and complete moment, Joker found himself at a loss for words. Then, he simply channeled his shock and surprise into a hearty laugh. “You’re kinky. I like that. Just, uh, don’t give me any more information. I don’t want to know.” Shifting again, he leaned on one of his elbows, placing his head in one of his hands. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them. I just…I need to look Shepard in the eye tomorrow, you know.”

“I admit to nothing.” A secretive smile touched her lips as she slid an arm around his neck. “But I do love you, Jeff. I love you.”

“Hey.” His lips drew close to hers as she urged their heads together with gentle pressure. “I like to hear you say that.”


End file.
